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So goodbye, I guess, to the things that can’t last
 
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Jason's LiveJournal:

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Monday, March 28th, 2011
10:32 pm
Survey '10


1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?

Changed diapers. All part of the new job!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions and will you make more for next year?

I did! My plan was to change my personal clothing style, but money has prevented that for years. Now that I'm working again, I was able to create a decent wardrobe for myself.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

A few cousins and friends of friends, but nobody close. I did attend a wedding though!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

A grandparent. November first.

5. What countries did you visit?

Zero. I did go on vacation with my sister to Seattle this summer.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

A promotion would be nice, but unlikely. A more reliable car? Better time management?

7. What date, from 2010, will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 

January 13th: interviewed for a new job. January 26th: received it. February 1st: my first day. Really, I could go on, but that's what happens when you have a mind for dates.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Though I've said it a bunch, much of what surrounds my new job, including overcoming the fear of working with other students and staff. Also, continuing my skill of learning bits about everything and anything, which came in handy for buying and then reselling items.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not looking harder for an additional job.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Tons of colds and illnesses. In fact, I was healthy just three days in my first 35 at work. It was horrible.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Clothing (including nice winter sweaters) and a plethora of Chuck Taylor's, all for under $20. Functional items.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? 

I'll echo last year's comment: all of those who did their best to better themselves in 2010. Virginia's wedding and the union of two awesome people merited celebration.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Again, someone who I know, but will never see this. I'm really amazed she gets away with what she does.

14. Where did most of your money go?

The biggest single chunk was car repairs and a camera, not to mention the trip. 2011 has proven to be a much better money managing year thus far.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My new job, and compliments from those I enjoy.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?

There isn't one, but The Lucksmiths and Super XX Man were constantly playing in my car.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

Happier or sadder? Happier compared to Jan. 1 2010.

Thinner or fatter? About the same, I'd say.

Richer or poorer? Richer. And I've been saving money quite well.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? 

Talked with coworkers. Various things from disagreements to my shyness kept getting in the way.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Again echoing last year: worry.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

Just before Christmas in 2010, my dad broke his hip, so it was spent at home assisting him. I did receive a few (sweet) last minute invites, but wasn't able to make it.

21. How will you be spending New Year?

I spent it at two parties, and in a horrible snow/fog storm that had me wishing my friends hadn't moved out to West Valley...or the Avenues.

22. Did you fall in love in 2009? 

No, but I do believe that one woman has a crush on me. I have at least three or four, but since when is that new?

23. How many one-night stands?

1/2?

24. What was your favorite TV programme?

Archer. And new episodes began this January.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Hate is a bit strong, but some people that I work with.

26. What was the best book you read?

I don't think I picked up a new book, but did snag an e-reader and therefore, that may change.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I was going to say Super XX Man, but realized I used it last year. It's still relevant, as I finally bought his albums last year. As far as new bands? I really got into some Palaxy Tracks, which was given to me free when I ordered a bunch of Super XX Man. As far as old favorites, the Beatles, the Lucksmiths and the Weakerthans provided bright spots.
 
28. What did you want and get?

A job! New clothes! A new suit! A replacement computer! A cheaper cell phone plan! Really, I have no complaints in terms of physical items.

29. What did you want and not get?

A date with one of my crushes.

30. What was your favorite film of this year? 

It was the year of bad movies! Nothing stands out, but thanks to Netflix, I'm enjoying the best of the worst.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 28, and went to a bowling alley expecting to see a friend. When she didn't show, I headed back home. I was glad when a few people remembered at work, even though it didn't happen at home.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

A lot more time with friends and my scooter.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? 

It became more dressy and nicer. I bought a lot of argyle sweaters in 2010, and decided to dress up just a touch more. 


34. What kept you sane?

Sleep, organizing and the occasional rare visit with friends. Hanging out with Cindy (as a surrogate late in the year) also helped.  I hope her positiveness rubbed off on me.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

There probably was one, but I can't recall it. The favorites continue to lead the list.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

The war, healthcare, unemployment. Really, the economy ruled everything around me.

37. Who did you miss?

My friends, including those at work and those who have left.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

There were quite a few at work, and another who I didn't talk much to initially, but admired greatly. I'm happy to say we talked much more the next time we crossed paths. The same story can be said for my friend Lindsay. 

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

Never wear anything to work that you'd hate if it got ruined.

40. One word that sums up your year.

Exciting.


Friday, January 8th, 2010
12:49 am
2009 Survey
From witchwife by way of jamayia 

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?

Removed my car from impound.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions and will you make more for next year?

I only made one and I kept it. Well, a second was made to change the way I dress, but money prevented that from happening. I do intend to keep that this year, however.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Nobody close, but a former friend gave birth in mid-November.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

A grandparent. Not a biological one, but I knew the man my grandmother was with after my grandfather better than I knew my grandfather himself. 

5. What countries did you visit?

Zero. In fact, I think my furthest trip from home may have been to Springville.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

Money and a job. 

7. What date, from 2009, will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 

June 13th. Darren's birthday and the day that I lost my job. In fact, I found out I'd lost it while at his party. Come to think of it, I also found out I had my pay cut at another person's party late in 2007. Therefore, none of you are allowed to have anymore birthdays! 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

It's a small one, but a fairly big one for me. I made the commitment to detatch myself from those who were stressing me out and weren't holding up their end of the friendship. Though I almost gave in and contacted them, I'm proud to say that I was successful with that one.

I also consider it a big achievement to tell Bree (finally) how strongly I felt about her, even though I knew it'd be a rejection and may make for awkwardness when she returns home this spring.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not keeping my environment as clean as I should have. That, and dropping my really nice camera in water which ruined it.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nothing serious, no. In fact, 2009 may have been my healthiest. I don't even remember a minor illness.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

My MP3 player or my laptop are both obvious choices, but I probably received the most enjoyment from my Omnichord and 4-track. My temporary replacement camera also merits an honorable mention. And though I didn't use it and was able to get my computer working again, my new power supply also belongs on the list.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? 

All of those who did their best to better themselves in 2009. 

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

I can think of a few people and though they aren't people who won't read this, they're out there. In fact, the person named in question eight applies.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Bills. And that's what will happen for much of 2010 when I get a job. 

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

There were a number of really small things that I got excited about, but as for big things, it was concerts. Selling merch for John Vanderslice was a lot of fun and the free Jenny Lewis/Bon Iver concert was the highlight of my year as was running into friends at the event and having Jenny smile at me during the set. 

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

There isn't a particular one, but I spent so much time listening to Silver Scooter's third album that it no doubt will bring a memory of this year.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

Happier or sadder? Sadder, but this was the year that really decided to throw me for a loop.

Thinner or fatter? My weight didn't fluxuate much.

Richer or poorer? A whole lot poorer. Stop reminding me of how much!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? 

Gone to thrift stores. I made the committment to sell much of what I'd collected in the past before I resumed my weekly excursions, which explained why I visited thrift stores just a few dozen times this year. On the plus side, I did find something great almost every time I went making the trip worth it!

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worry.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

I spent it in the way that I usually do, which is to say lamenting it's Christmas because it's just like every other day at my house with the exception that 99.9% of places outside of the home are closed for the day.

21. How will you be spending New Year?

Busy and running around. I made it to three parties not including my dad's birthday and was invited to two more that ended by the time I arrived at them.

22. Did you fall in love in 2009? 

No, but two people did develop a crush on me. And one strongly hinted that she was falling in love with me. Progress!

23. How many one-night stands?

None officially, but I guess you could consider the Mardi Gras party that a female friend who shall remain nameless had as close as I got.

24. What was your favorite TV programme?

Though the show concluded last December, I spent a lot of time watching the final season of Moral Orel. This is one of the many categories that if you gave me more time to think about it I'd have a long list.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I strongly dislike many of the friends I distanced myself from.

26. What was the best book you read?

When I Grow Up by Juliana Hatfield, which I continue to read.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Super XX Man, who is the lead singer of the long defunct band Silver Scooter. Once I have money again, I'll have twelve of his albums to eventually accumulate.

28. What did you want and get?

In terms of physical items that I wanted in previous years and got this year, a laptop and a wireless modem. And the complete series of Being Eve, my favorite New Zealand show. As for non-physical, a bit of an ability to say no to people.

29. What did you want and not get?

A stable job and the ability to pay my bills.

30. What was your favorite film of this year? 

I only saw one movie in theaters (Couples Retreat) and it was far from a favorite. Paranormal Activity wins this, because I've never been so frightened by a movie. I still need to see 500 Days of Summer. 

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 27 and picked my car up from a repair shop. Nothing else of any significance happened that day, which isn't unusual, and something I want to change in the future. That's easier said than done however because I don't want to ask anyone to bend over backwards to throw something for me. The only hint of anything was cancelled five minutes before it was to start due to the girl bailing on me.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Job and the ability to pay my bills. See many other answers. 

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

Since 2009 was the year I wanted to change my personal fashion, I'd love to have a great answer, but the lack of money resulted in this not happening. Since more than 60% of my jeans have a tear in at least one knee or the back pocket, my first paycheck at my new job will probably be blown on new jeans so that I can keep this resolution. Maybe a mild change of wardrobe is something that will do me good. 


34. What kept you sane?

Friends (on many occasions) and playing music.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

There has to be one. It'd take too long to think of one however.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

Um...too many to list.

37. Who did you miss?

The exiled friends (mentioned many times by now) and a few family members. Basically, anybody that I didn't see on a weekly basis that I wish I'd seen on a weekly basis. 

38. Who was the best new person you met?

Hannah, who is a friend of a friend. I always looked forward to hanging out with her, though it happened just four times in the short two months that I knew her before she boarded a plane to a foreign land for a year.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

Here's where I'd be cute and quote some line from "Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen" but really, I learned to be more cautious than I already was. Locking your keys in the car, dropping your camera in water and forgetting about parking tickets were things I could have done without.

40. One word that sums up your year.
Bombardment.
Thursday, January 7th, 2010
11:57 pm
Surgically removed from my heart
You know that nothing is going on in your life if the only thing you have to share is being blocked from someone's page on a social networking site. It's at least mildly interesting, right? I guess the standard is different for everyone, but I don't know what could have caused it.

The funny thing is she's still on my friend list here until I deleted her in the spring as part of my spring cleaning of friends who weren't holding up their end of the bargain. She followed suit with the deletion, and I added her again a short time later.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised by it on some level. She didn't reply to my message about her winter party or any of the helpful emails I sent her about her dysfunctional relationship.

I guess I'm a bit proud that I wasn't just deleted, but that someone went the extra mile to block me.

In related news, I received my second ever Facebook deletion from one of the people that I was debating about whether to email out of the blue at the time that I signed up. She was a classmate from elementary school who I related to quite well (and still do) but I suppose it can't be reciprocated since she only commented on three things I wrote last year.

In more related news, I'll probably do the same in early 2011.
Sunday, November 22nd, 2009
11:34 pm
Job
After an impromptu conversation with a friend tonight, I may have a decent shot at a job. She said that there are at least four openings at her work and that due to my museum internship in high school, I have a good chance at getting one of the jobs. She lamented a bit about how little it pays (and rightfully so), but my thoughts at that time revolved around how much more that amount would be than I've made in the last 8 1/2 years at my previous job. The hours are great and I'm doing my best to look at the positive (like me needing a job and being tired of selling things solely to pay bills) and not think about how much work a job like this will be.
Thursday, November 5th, 2009
12:54 am
Rolled
Though I do believe that I had a better costume than the piano playing Slash who Slashrolled me on Halloween, I wonder if it's small karmic revenge for having the same invention in the school invention project as Jackie S. in grade school who presented her project immediately before me in the alphabet (by both first and last name) and who lost to me and my better homework correcting machine.

Or could it be for 12th grade english when Katie and I both gave reports on Great Expectations and I received the better grade despite a) Katie giving her report immediately before me and b) two people not being allowed to report on the same thing. I wonder if that's why she acted so coldly to me when I took her sister to prom...nah. The rest of her family was the same.

Who am I kidding? It was neither.  As a result of the costume, I'm glad that I have a fun pair of functional fake aviators that I may be able to use for 2010's Michael Jackson costume. They're also the best sunglasses that I own, which isn't hard when my other two pair are cheap (possibly ripoff?) Nike sport blue lens sunglasses and "stylish" Tommy green lens glasses.
Wednesday, October 28th, 2009
12:01 am
Pano Rama!

I have to credit my friend (friend? Can I call her a friend since she's stopped replying to my emails and stopped reading my blog??) Cristen for sharing this link on her page. It's one of those 360 degree views of the Salt Lake Cathedral of the Madeleine. I really didn't appreciate this place when we went on a tour of it in sixth grade (or was it fifth...or fourth...or third...it's hard to remember when your school is underfunded and you have the same teacher four straight years) but now recognize the building for what it is, which is one of the (if not the) most beautiful in the city.

https://saltlakecathedral.org/panorama/Madeleine_swf.html
Saturday, October 17th, 2009
12:45 am
Again Today

The Bree crush situation is resolved. I needed to tell her, told her and got the reaction that I expected. And then she told me about her summer of hookups with awful guys, her French fling and her making out with a mutual friend who was in a relationship at the time. She played dumb about not knowing that, but it was the same reason she hadn't done so a few months earlier when we last hung out.

Oh yeah. And she lied to me twice about when she left for the abroad program, first telling me that she left the day before she did and then contradicting that twice by telling me of her meeting up with said mutual friend.

And really, I can't be friends with someone who devalues herself in the way she's been doing lately. And how does it make me feel when she's totally fine with making out with strangers in France, having sex with douchebags in Alaska every summer, but tells me that we can't date because she doesn't date friends.

And the Emilee situation? If you're one of the three mutual friends that I share with her, you *really* get far more about this situation than you need be. Facebook is nosy, so your feed shows you every flirty comment and every status update she leaves on my page. Want to see more? Stop by my MySpace page. What can I tell you? Well, what day do you want me to tell you about? The three days this week where we had perfectly civil conversations or the two days in which we fought it out either on the phone or via Facebook chat? Seriously, we spent almost all day communicating, and from about 5-7:30 was absolute hell with her flying off the handle over my, "I'm not ready for anything more at this time" that came as I was trying to leave to tonight's movie night.

I think the thing that made me the most mad was how she has continuously over the last month questioned my sincerity, claming that guys who usually treat her like this are only in it for a makeout. After not only insisting that I wasn't that type of guy but wasn't looking for anything physical with her, she was still weary. "Fine" I concluded. "She has an issue trusting me."  When she hit me with her you, "just fed me the same stuff i've heard a million times before two weeks before being dumped or something" and lumped me in with every other guy who has faked sincerity and treated her awful, I was done. That was until she flew off the handle (I even saved that little gem of the text transcript) when I mentioned that things had moved too fast and were now out of control for about the fourth time today.

And how angry am I that she hung up on me at that moment? I loudly repeated the word "fuck" a half dozen times in unison with pounding both fists on my metal computer desk. Being hung up on makes me *so* mad which led to an unfortunate drive to movie night.


I touched on this a little bit today, but only went over bits and pieces of today's battle. It's all scratching the surface. It didn't touch on how irrational she was. It didn't touch on how hard I tried to give her my side of the story. I didn't dare delve into the conversations we had about what'd happen when she actually comes back next month and of the flirtation that had been going on. Or how when I was realistic about the distance and religion factor for the fifteenth time she said, "the door is closed" between us.

It's an ongoing saga, and it changes daily. Really, if you want to know about either the Bree or Emilee situation, just ask. You know how bad I am at gushing without prompting, and I have no problem telling you everything. Though if you wait until next weekend, things will have likely changed about three or four times.



Current Mood: confused
Saturday, October 10th, 2009
5:31 pm
Overdue
Ugh. Broken record. Broken record. Broken record. Broken record. Broken record.

I've had help from a friend who clued me in that I'm completely chasing a type and that type is rarely going to go for me because they're always chasing a type of their own which is also a pattern that they have. It's what I like to call the Sixteen Candles chain of attraction.

But how do you go from liking girls with certain characteristics to not? How do you completely reevaluate what you like in a person? It's not like it needs to be completely changed, but it's in need of a lot of tweaking. 

I mean, there are just a few single people that I know and like who don't fit into the category of 'nice person who falls for complete assholes' but I really don't see anything ever happening between myself and any of them. For the best? The more I think about it that's probably true, but I feel I should briefly mention it to some friends sometime because getting it out is helping me feel better about similar situations despite the mixed results. Besides, I don't think I've ever told anyone about my crush on one of those people, meaning it's long overdue to come out.
Sunday, October 4th, 2009
9:17 pm
Live And Learn

I called somebody out on something while talking to her online, and she effectively did the 21st century equivalent of hanging up on me mid-sentence. I've been really disappointed in various things my secondary tier of friends have done lately. My primary group of friends had warned me about it as recently as this weekend, but I veered a little deeper into a topic that she brought up and got a verbal smackdown.

Perhaps if I could relate, I could better understand her situation, much like the girl I fought with on Thursday. As it is, I can't relate to being sweet talked into being careless or making the wrong decisions on purpose.
Saturday, October 3rd, 2009
3:51 am
Be OK
Seriously, I wish I could write when happy...

I feel like such a broken record on this topic. I mean, it's the same story, different names. As much info as I gave in conversation on the Bree situation tonight,  it doesn't scratch the surface. Besides, it's really the type of thing that lends itself better to long one on one conversations and not snippets at a time in a group setting. Hopefully one of those long conversations happen soon, but those that I talk to about such things are dropping like flies. The person I discussed it with on the night it all happened hasn't proven to be the right person for the job. I wonder sometimes if it's because she has a sizeable crush on me (weird, I know) and finds it hard to listen to me talk about another crush, even though nothing would ever happen between she and I because of that whole religious barrier.

Speaking of things that I haven't scratched the surface on, she's another one. You could probably read the comments on my Facebook page and photos to see who/what I mean.

I've tried typing out a 'previously on' on both of them numerous times, but it's 3:39 a.m. and I am beyond exhausted.  I guess the important thing to know is that she (in her words) goes "for people who I don't respect" and are completely wrong for her and she knows it.  There are dozens of red flags and though I'm no longer pushing for something to happen between us as I once was, I would still like to talk to her about the crush on her. She won't have any of it, having glanced over it in a conversation from a few days ago and ending the conversation when I tiptoed into the water on the subject about a half hour ago. I discussed tonight how some people won't give you the resolution you need and am beginning to think that's the case here.

I have realized a number of things via this experience though including a deeper level of "my type" than I'd ever thought about before. I think this will take me a long way, though changing the type of people you're drawn to is easier said than done.
Saturday, September 26th, 2009
3:13 am
Initial Separation
As a few of my friends have pointed out (and as is the case with many of them as well)  a lot of us have nothing new to say. It's the same topic/story/thought process that's existed for weeks and months. Maybe that explains the lack of entries by some friends on my list, myself included.

My redundant category is friendships.

I hadn't planned on touching on this subject, because as I've mentioned many times before I've been successful at keeping those that need to be kept away all year, including many of my favorite people. Sometimes it's very difficult like when I need to spill something to a person that never saw our friendship in the way that I did or when I want to go bowling with the girl I gave and received mixed messages. This evening, as I heard a story from a friend, I immediately thought of one of these people that could give helpful advice to this friend, as their stories are nearly identical. Then again, I think that it's not worth opening a can of worms to share this story with France's newest exchange student when I may not even receive a reply and if I did, the advice would likely fall on deaf ears as it did tonight.

Speaking of, I'm back to doing that lame passive/aggressive thing again, which (depending on who you ask) either does or doesn't work. I loaded my latest MySpace status with a ton of french hoping that she'd see it, but am now realizing just how childish it is. In reality, I should get everything off my chest to her, including how disappointed I am when she cancels at the last minute (which she does often) or when she fails to reply to a message (again, often) tell her how disappointed I was when she cancelled what was to be the only birthday event for my 27th.

Most importantly I need to tell her that I had a crush on her for the four months we were friends while she lived in Utah, the six weeks or so she dated the guy I didn't like, the less than five months they were married and for the two plus years she lived here upon returning. It won't do much for our friendship as I learned from her story of this happening with her and another guy, but then again there's not much friendship there to begin with. I don't think that she recognizes these faults of hers and sees us as far better friends than I do. It's just like my friendship with Chelsea all over again sans the, "we really are just pen pals" comment. 

Ugh. Really, there have to be more constructive ways to spend the rest of the year than dwelling on this as I have the last few months or years depending on the situation. And don't even get me started on dating. Really, I'd love to have something interesting and uplifting, but it'd be forcing it out of myself to do so. For now, I'm going to do my best to stop my brain from thinking so much by watching an awful horror movie or Parks & Rec before its possible cancellation while eating three packs of Ramen noodles for my first meal in the last few days. 
Monday, September 14th, 2009
2:14 am
A year ago at this time, I wrote an entry about how my friend Chelsea had returned home to Salt Lake to visit from New York and how much I was looking forward to seeing her. The same thing happened on that trip that happens on every trip: she tells me she's coming and talks up just how much she misses me and can't wait to see me, tells me she'll contact me, does so again and finally returns home with the note that there were family troubles and that she didn't see much of anyone. I can think of at least three times when that was the case.

I haven't had any communication with her since late May, which is when I decided that I was not going back on my then recent decision to not put up with those who treated me that way and made me do all the work. I was going to let the communication fall into their hands. Besides, we got in a bit of a disagreement in that conversation and it was at that moment in particular that I realized just how much like my ex she was and that a friendship most likely won't work between us.

Among the half dozen or so people to fall into the exiled category was Bree, who spent the summer in Alaska this year as she did last year. She too has a history of bailing on me at the last second, which explains why it's been nine months since our last meaningful evening (arguably a date)  together and even then she was busy with a crush much of the night.
 
The reason I bring her up is she just arrived home on the 11th and she's leaving to Paris in about a week for a semester abroad. She's told me all summer via text and postcard that she wants to hang out during the week that she's home, but I'm sticking to my guns on this one and will again let it fall into her hands. It would be very easy for me to call her and arrange some time to hang out but after a few years of this, I'm no more used to this than I was a few years ago.

As for other things, I'd love to say that I had something interesting to say. My life is in even more of a limbo state than ever before. I've been doing a lot of experimenting with my new four track all weekend, therefore eliminating my need for my three MiniDisc players and recorders and all accessories. Selling those will more than pay for my new recorder. Thanks to the ease of the Omnichord I've been writing more music and have been experimenting more when it comes to writing lyrics. I still hold onto the hope that I'll eventually have enough substance to begin playing in public, even if it's only informally with or in front of friends. That need to perform again is getting harder and harder to resist. Also, I plan on taking advantage of the cooler weather to clean out my storage room of both valuables and junk.

And as far as the job search, it's the same story as it's been for the last three months and the decade prior to that when I casually looked for a second job. Employers seem to look more at job history (and the types of job you have/haven't worked) than a spotless work record that includes working half of my life without missing a day at a job I worked every day. I'm really in need of something now and am really struggling with barely being able to get by.
Friday, August 28th, 2009
4:07 am
Useless information (at 4:10 a.m.) #1
Did you know that only 6 of the 92 Natalie Imbruglia debut CD's sold on eBay in the last two weeks and that none sold for more than $1.00? This is why my spare copy will continue to sit on my shelf forever,
Saturday, August 22nd, 2009
1:41 am
Pop up

I haven't popped on here since before I lost my job (which was in mid-June) and in those months I realized that I was missing out on what was happening in the lives of my friends. Unfortunately, at that time I also had my mini act of rebellion of deciding that if it were truly important enough that they'd probably tell me about it in person. It was also at that time that I finally put my foot down and decided that I'd be a lot happier keeping the friends that weren't putting any effort into the friendship at arms length, which is why I now rarely communicate with Bree and Chelsea and cut off contact with a number of friends like Stacee and Anna.

Speaking of Anna, I'd planned to throw it all on the table and explain from start to finish our friendship, but backed out of it at the last minute because I didn't think anyone was interested or because I wanted to explain it in person. I still have the entry I wrote about her (all 3 1/2 pages of it) but I'm not feeling like posting it. Her brushing me off is still weighing on my mind quite heavily though for many reasons, perhaps primarily because of it being a contradiction of how she views friendship and because the whole, "I have a boyfriend/girlfriend now and therefore I can't have anymore male/female friends" scenerio is getting old. Either Utah is the male insecurity capital of the world or it's a convienient excuse because I've heard that line many times from female friends.

It's going to be awhile before my annoyance over her "I don't really hang out with other guys than my boyfriend" text gets old.
Monday, May 25th, 2009
2:03 am
Old Times
"I'd like to tell you what I think about you baby but I can't say it
'Cause I'm a nice guy"
      -
David Garza, "Kinder"


Because I know you're one of the few who read what I write consistantly and frankly, you suck at replying to emails and are even worse at making plans in person:


Chelsea:

Don't take my words out of context, assume they're about you and then talk about how passive-aggresive *I've been* in (what else) a passive-aggressive message of your own. And via a social networking update at that. How immature is it to do that? And on top of that, you went back for seconds in both assuming what I wrote was about you *and* by posting yet another cryptic and vague message tonight while drunk and on vacation in Chicago. I hope it's the alcohol talking. It wouldn't be the first time.

Your friendship was great in 2005 after I got over our initial meeting. For the last 3 1/2 years, it's been me sending you an email every few months, and you choosing whether or not to reply. Half the time you didn't. How many times have you come back to Salt Lake with promises to hang out only to not do it? How often have you used your family as an excuse for that? How many times have you said, "I didn't see much of anyone" only for me to find out that nothing could be further from the truth? This doesn't even cover the two years that you lived here and our only meaningful interaction was an accident and involved you pushing me away to spend time with your friends.

Do you seriously think you're like me? You're unreliable. I'm not. You tend not to learn from your mistakes. You're an apology machine. I try not to make mistakes to avoid those situations. In March, when you *finally* contacted me, you were a whole mess of apologies about withdrawing from me for six months. And then you immediately withdrew again. You take advantage of what my biggest fault may be, and that's forgiving those who do me wrong. You write a damn good apology, and I'm a sucker for them.

I meant it when I said that you weren't the only friend of mine who has been a bad friend. I meant it when I said I was, "done trying and finally letting those who are bad at keeping in touch (and are therefore bad friends) go".  I wasn't referring specifically to you. You took it to be about you, so as best I can tell, you saw your own faults in those words.

Being passive-aggressive is a bit immature, but why am I like that with you? Because it works. Or rather, I thought it did. Our pattern involved you making grand plans and promises, me getting my hopes up, you never coming through. I make a remark about it publicly in a journal entry, and you write me a great apology, appearing more meek than you actually are.

I love your insights. You're one of the best people to talk to when I have a problem. There's a reason why I've tried so hard to make this long distance friendship work, even when the long distance involved us being in the same city for two years. It's all because I value you.  You have to realize that this pattern has persisted with a good dozen or so people off the top of my head and since I take this rejection far too personally (and hold on far too long to dying relationships) I now have to take a stand and either let things repair themselves or let them go. It's slowly killing me inside. It stresses me out. I can't keep doing this if this is going to be our pattern.


How's that for vague and passive-aggressive?

Jason
Thursday, May 14th, 2009
5:23 pm

I was really bad at posting comments yesterday, because I somehow ended up posting what was supposed to be a comment on my friend Matt's status about playing a show in Denali (where Bree will be living until September) and ended up with it being my status.  I didn't catch it until she posted a comment about it and realized she was the person I was talking about in it.

Later that day, I attempted to reply to Jason's link which speculated about Who companions, and instead left the comment on my friend Jaqui's status which read, "will be LOST for the next two hours... And my mind will probably explode. So farewell... ♥."

Clearly, the following (which was intended for Jason) made no sense to her:

"Please no to Lily Allen, but I wouldn't mind Michelle Ryan, if only because I liked their chemestry in the Easter episode. With a young Doctor, I wouldn't be surprised if we have a young companion.

Speaking of companions, I found a Martha action figure at a store today. I may need to buy it and velcro it to my dashboard."


She never commented on how little sense it made to her, but I hope it didn't make her mind explode. I blame all of this on a computer that has been running slightly slow on the site, which leads to typing in inadvertant boxes and my complete lack of attention when doing so last night.

Wednesday, May 13th, 2009
12:37 am
No sooner do I do my Angela Chase "Blister In The Sun" dance about my computer going five or six days without acting up then it begins to do exactly that, including once when I was working on a document. I went through the familiar process of restarting it a few times and it's been stable with no signs of errors for the last five hours or so.

I think it was all because of me trying to recover additional data from one of the formatted drives since it froze twice while that was running. I anticipate having to do this again, as I mistakenly didn't realize just how many voice memos I've recorded. From the looks of things, I only recovered about a third of them  judging by the file numbers I have from recent memos. I'm willing to accept that after the format they may be gone forever or as badly corrupted as the music I did the same thing to, but am not as bummed about potentially losing dozens of voicemails, song ideas and other random things.

ODH, I hope your show went well tonight. I would have loved to have made it, but spent the evening here at the computer working on some things that I'd put off for months, if not longer.  As great as these Weezer demos that I'm listening to are, it would've been nice to hear and see you guys play one of your rare shows.
Monday, May 11th, 2009
1:12 am
Back for good?
In mid-January, a fuse accident caused the power supply on my computer to become fried and my second hard drive to become completely corrupted and unreadable. This drive was partitioned into two drives, and partition one contained all of my Doctor Who episodes and four years of voice memos from my digital recorder. Drive two was solely devoted to photos from the digital camera I stopped using three years ago, and included photos from every concert I attended from late 2004 to late 2006.
 
I'd been smart enough to backup the photos in a few locations; they were something that would crush me if I'd lost them. The Who episodes were too new for me to have thought about that, but I had burned the episodes to discs, giving me extra copies of them. The voice memos (another item that I couldn't replace) had not been saved anywhere other than that drive, leaving me scrambling with ways to recover them.

As bad as those things were, they weren't the worst part of the problem. Since then, my computer would power on, freeze, and cause me to restart it. This has happened every time without fail since January. I couldn't dare compose anything on it or leave anything important on it, because if the computer didn't freeze prior to loading Windows, then it'd freeze within minutes of that. If not then, then 100% of the time it'd freeze that day. In fact, I could probably count the number of days that my computer stayed on for at least 12 hours on both hands. No matter how long (or short) the computer stayed on, it would freeze. I tried everything to fix this including checking my connections and unplugging them and reconnecting them, but nothing seemed to work.

Another quirk that occurred was that every once in awhile, the files on the drive that contained photos would suddenly pop up. Although I was pretty sure I'd backed them all up, I'd take advantage of the days when the computer would both not immediately fail *and* would mysteriously bring the photos back. This took months, as the odds of the day that the computer worked for any length of time would be the same boot up that the photos reappeared were small. Ultimately I'd get a few directories copied before it'd freeze and it'd take me another three weeks before the files popped back up again, only to have the computer freeze before I could copy them.

You can probably see what a nightmare this was. All of this added to the fact that the file recovery program that I'd bought in 2007 when I lost my music was telling me that it wasn't activated no matter how much customer support help I received to make it work again. After three months of going in circles and exchanging the same info in every email, I eventually gave up on that and found a free program in the hopes that it'd work.

It did.

Once I was able to confirm that the computer was going to be relatively stable for the day, I set about the task of letting it check for my files (they all appeared to be there) and copying them to an external drive. It worked on the photo drive, I then formatted it and then did the same with the Who/recorder drive, which took four full days of work, but eventually I was able to copy the files and then format the drive, which was the hardest step of all, what with how messed up it was.

An amazing thing happened after this occurred though: the computer stopped freezing. The only variable in this is that once I formatted those drives, that problem stopped immediately, leading me to believe that the drives were causing the problem. The message that also essentially read, "Dude. Your drives are totally screwed up. We need to run a disk check on both of them" also disappeared, despite having appeared on every restart since January.

Although my computer has worked flawlessly since Wednesday, I'm still cautious about it. I'm only now beginning to type anything of any length, and I keep expecting it to freeze at any moment. Any small delay such as a cursor of the keyboard of the mouse moving slow sends me into a bit of instant panic.  Eventually that'll go away, but probably not for awhile.

I'm now in the process of checking the various files to see if they were recovered without any errors. Thus far all of the audio seems to be perfect as do the photos, but a few of the first two seasons of Who recovered only partial episodes. As I mentioned, I have backups of those already, so it isn't a problem. Thus far, it's been a success and beats when I lost all of my music and led me to uploading dozens of discs following the recovery. I haven't even reached the end of that problem. Every once in awhile I'll listen to an album that I hadn't listened to since before the error and I'll find the song doing weird things like cutting off at some point and playing a different song from a different artist for the remainder of the song.

Perhaps one of the most exciting things about having a working computer again is that I can now make copies of all of my files with the plethora of DVD-R's I bought last week. I'd thought about buying a larger capacity external drive to place them on, but with the luck I've had lately, discs are a much safer, cheaper and permanent investment, even if copying nearly 500GB worth of photos to almost 125 DVD-R's is going to take me weeks.
Sunday, May 3rd, 2009
12:32 am

Jack Kemp died.

He was one of the very few Republicans that I could really get behind, and that happened primarily in his years after his political retirement. He had the traditional conservative Republican beliefs, but he was also for tax cuts and worked to help the poor and was always gracious and charitable.

Despite him retiring from football 40 years ago, I'll always remember him as a football player first. That's probably the sports fan in me talking. While leaving work this morning, I was thinking about him and his Chargers team from the sixties which was the first (and thus far only) known sports team to partake in steroids as a team. I heard him speak on the subject in an interview late last year and it's shocking to realize how quickly his health declined.

He is the second celebrity in the last week that has died on the day that I've been thinking about them, which is an interesting concept to me. It also has me wondering who the next person will be.
Monday, April 13th, 2009
1:33 am
Friends
Egads! My friends suck! Present company excluded, my Thursday night was spent worrying that a phone call would disrupt Who night because it was expected in the middle of it. I waited for it on Friday and then again on Saturday. By the time it finally came, I missed it, and my call back was never returned.

A similar thing happened today as well, but it was a little more expected.

And then there's this whole, "you accepted his request, but denied mine despite me being better friends with you" thing going on, which I admit is the epitome of stupid, but it's really bothering me. Maybe she's pulling the whole, "I don't remember you" thing that her sister did, despite all of the photos recently uploaded with us hanging out and the song I wrote about her a decade ago that recently came up again tonight when those photos were uploaded.

I'm not going to the Mirah show on Tuesday like I'd planned. I'm not in the mood to be in the vicinity of Bree (another friend who has dropped the ball about a half dozen times this year alone) even though my future date (who actually looks quite a bit like the Doctor's companion from the episode this weekend) will be there, and it'd be a good chance to get to know her better. She and I are scheduled to hang out on Wednesday anyway, which doesn't make me missing the concert on Tuesday a total loss. After being completely blown off again by Bree last week, I've decided not to make any further attempts to go out of my way to make plans with her before she leaves in early May. We'll be at a few of the same concerts in the next three weeks, but fortunately I'll have others to talk to at the Whispertown/Maria Taylor and Greg Laswell/Lenka concerts who've treated me far better. As bad as her recent treatment of me has been, I think that one of the last straws came when one of her friends recommended Doctor Who to her last week and she got excited about it as if it were completely new to her and I hadn't been doing the same thing for a good six months.

And now, I'm terribly tired. I was incredibly close to falling asleep at six, but got distracted with the FOX lineup, and then by the new episodes of The Best Years, a show best described as a college version of  Degrassi. This show was such a guilty pleasure during its first season two years ago. I couldn't wait for the announced second season as soon as the first had concluded, but I didn't find out that the show had resumed last week until I stumbled across it this morning. I'm so thankful for the On Demand programming, because it allowed me to catch (and record to DVD) the two programs that have aired thus far.

Now that I think about it, the new Doctor Who was the  only episode of TV that I watched this weekend that probably wouldn't classify as a guilty pleasure.
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